Opting Out
A recipe for survival
March signals the approach of my first Mother’s Day, childless.
Of course, I had many Mother’s Days like this before Ellie was born and never thought anything of it. But this year it’s all I can think about. I have a little pile of cards that I’m simultaneously desperate to peek at but also can’t bear to even open the drawer they’re in that looks at me every time I walk past it. Sometimes even just thinking about its contents makes my insides feel like they’re being dragged down while my exterior tries to stay upright.
So when I get an email like this, I take notice:
“Oh, thanks, yes please, CEX*”
Isn’t that so thoughtful?
“Actually, sorry, where were you at Christmas, CEX?? And Tesco. And Argos. And well, pretty much every company that’s in the business of selling stuff???”
What exactly is the difference in emotional terms of these two times of the year that cause pain to so many? Where one is a day that revolves around someone who you may have lost, who you may have never had, who may not be someone you particularly want to celebrate, who you desperately want to be or in my case, who you used to be - and a day like Christmas, where everything revolves around the idea of family and its importance? Both are about belonging and when you find yourself outside of the “norm” your isolation is brought so much more into focus, in contrast to the blurred bustle of celebrations just beyond your field of vision.
Why can’t I opt out of that? I don’t mean forever but just for now, while the memories of better days don’t soothe as much as they sting.
Ah, yes, forgot, it’s all about making money isn’t it?
*Although, CEX (especially if pronounced the way I’m led to believe) is not exactly what I think of when I envision a Mother’s Day morning - a tray with a cup of tea, a vase filled with daffodils and “ooh what’s this? Season 2 of Scrubs on DVD and a refurbished (rated ‘good’) iPhone? Oh darling, you shouldn’t have!”
Being Selfish
In my first year of grief, certain dates and the time leading up to them have cast long shadows over much of the year. The Mother’s Day murk started its encroach in early Feb with the Easter doom looming just behind it, waiting to take its place like the thick, heavy, fog of Victorian London - as opposed to the fun fog you see on Stars in Their Eyes.
And it’s not just dates. There are places that are hard to go back to because, like the VHS tapes of yore, I’m terrified of taping over those prime-time memories of Ellie with episodes from this plot-less, much less funny show that’s missing its star.
Opting out is selfish, it has meant not buying Ellie’s adored cousins birthday presents, leaving our families to fly to the other side of the world at Christmas time, saying ‘no’ to things that you would have ordinarily always said ‘yes’ to.
But it is also what has helped us survive.
And when you do all those things and there are still people around you, that’s when you can start to feel lucky again.
Opting In
It sounds quite dramatic but in these hazy days, it’s been so important to find something to feel good about and so I’ve found myself clinging to certain celebrations that I paid little attention to before.
Valentine’s Day
A day I’ve derided and scoffed at from the moment I had to pretend that it was TOTALLY FINE that I didn’t get any Valentine’s Day cards whatsoever. Not even one of those weird ones parents sometimes give to their kids. Then, when me and Luke first got together, we started the Valentine’s Day tradition of getting a KFC and watching a film. It was our little way of fighting ‘the man’ by not giving into the consumerism of it all and instead giving our money to another man who has the blood of billions of chickens on his hands.
I suppose it is quite romantic, after all.
This year, we got our KFC** and we ate it while we watched a film we’ve seen before, that we knew would be safe: So I Married an Axe Murderer.
That day meant a lot to me. I felt loved and in love, knowing that I wouldn’t have been able to get there, with all that has happened, without the person sitting beside me. And also knowing that without this person, Ellie could have never been, and for that I am so grateful.
**I’ve just realised that this is the second article in a row I’ve posted talking about KFC. And it’s even referenced in the film we watched (when the Dad talks about how the Colonel puts a special chemical in it “to make you crave it fortnightly”). I promise I’m not sponsored by them. I only wish I was.
International Women’s Day
Err just wondering… why don’t we make a bigger deal of this day? Surely this represents a much better premise than Mother’s Day to celebrate the women around us? Surely its title is more inclusive and holds less potential to provoke pain or highlight lacking? Surely everyone knows at least one woman they like enough to celebrate? Apart from maybe Margaret Thatcher.
Whether mothers or not, I have learnt quickly that there are some remarkable women in my life. Women who shown such love and kindness but who are also strong and full of wit, intelligent in all sorts of ways, whose sometimes unexpected presence has been a gift in such a difficult time.
Coming just ahead of Mother’s Day on 8th March, IWD has given me something meaningful and more positive to turn my gaze towards.
But What About International Men’s Day??
You know, I knew some of you were going to say that. The shitting internet strikes again. But actually, in this context, I agree.
I think men often get characterised by their inability to talk about the deep stuff but that has not been my experience in all of this. In fact, I found that it’s often the people who project the most “masculine” energy that have proven to be the most sensitive and understanding. Luke knows some good male eggs (not a euphemism) and so do I.
And so, on the 19th November, when I shave my beard and drink a beer, it’s them I’ll be thinking of.
But What About The People Who Are Non-Binary?
See you at the bar on the 14th July, first drink’s on me. Unless it’s a cocktail, I’m not made of money.
A Recipe for Everyone***
In light of all of the above, I wanted to share one of my favourite recipes with you. It’s probably Luke’s favourite tea too. It’s simple, quick to make and extremely tasty. It also has the benefit of using up a leftover broccoli stalk which might otherwise end up in the compost bin (but really shouldn’t because it adds such a sweet and crunchy deliciousness to this dish).
***(Except Vegetarians and Vegans, people who don’t eat pork because of their faith. And people who don’t like spicy stuff and/or are allergic to any of the ingredients)
I used fancy pasta here which does make it <Keira Knightley voice> “look quite pretty” but I normally just use your bog-standard spaghetti when no-one’s looking
SHOW SOME LOVE SPAGHETTI
For good days and bad days, whether you want to be thankful for what you’ve got or sad about what you don’t, this is a dish to help you and those around you to keep going.
Serves 2
INGREDIENTS
1 tbsp Olive oil
200g Spaghetti or other lengthy pasta
1-2 garlic cloves
100g chorizo ring**** (see below for a vegan sub)
1 broccoli stalk
Couple of big handfuls of Kale (chonkiest stalks removed)
1 onion
Half a lemon
1 tsp Crispy chilli oil (I use Lee Kum Kee Chiu Chow Chilli Oil )
Handful of grated parmesan
****Sorry for dismissing the people who don’t eat chorizo, in case you’re still here, I’ve heard that the Squeaky Bean vegan chorizo style sausage is pretty good so might be a good substitute - although can’t confirm because I haven’t personally tried it.
METHOD
Chop the chorizo and broccoli stalk into similarly sized chonks.
Add a tablespoon of olive oil to a medium-hot frying pan and add the broccoli and sauté for 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, bring a pan of salted water to the boil and cook the spaghetti in boiling water for 7 mins or until al dente.
While the pasta is cooking, add the chorizo to the frying pan and sauté with the broccoli cubes for a few minutes.
Then add the Kale, followed by the crushed garlic and fry for a couple of mins.
Add the crispy chilli oil to the frying pan and stir into the mix, frying for a minute or so.
Add a handful of grated parmesan, then some of the pasta water to loosen. You can add more if it looks like it needs it.
Add the spaghetti to the frying pan and turn off the heat.
Mix together well and then squeeze over the juice of half a lemon.
Serve, eat, then make a note to thank me later.
COMEDY PAIRING
The above recipe was inspired by of my comedy recommendations for this post, which is the Off Menu Podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. A version of this dish is described in the Mae Martin episode, where James talks through his recipe:
“Slice up chorizo, fry that up, slice up just broccoli, broccoli stalks, chilli and garlic, lob all that in with it, once the chorizo's done well enough then chuck a bunch of capers in there with that as well. You've got some pasta on the go that whole time, get a cup of the pasta water, chuck that in with what you're cooking, strain the pasta out, chuck the pasta in there as well, chuck loads of parmesan, grated parmesan in there, mix it all together, black pepper … it's so good!”
Off Menu is a good listen for anyone who thinks about food way too much (me) and enjoys listening to funny people talk about their absolute favourites (also me). Episodes that stand out in my mind as being particularly entertaining feature Fatiha El-Ghorri, Diane Morgan, Alison Spittle and Steve Coogan. I cannot tell you how much I concur with Fatiha’s opinion of Mars Bar Ice Creams and Steve Coogan’s method of cooking baked beans.
Another podcast that I’m currently enjoying very much is Amy Poehler’s Good Hang. I listened to this before Ellie died but found it quite hard to return to because a lot of the conversations centre on the importance of family. But after a recommendation from my sister-in-law, I returned to it and listened to the episode with Aubrey Plaza where she talks about her grief after losing her husband to suicide. True, it’s a different kind of loss and no doubt one that has its own special version of hell for those who go through it, but the way she explains her grief was still very relatable.
Even without her astute observations on living a life after death, Aubrey Plaza is a very funny and (despite her desperate attempts to make you think otherwise) a hugely likeable presence. It’s a little treat to sit in on her conversation with Amy Poehler whose warmth, generosity and willingness to laugh along with her guests make her an excellent host. Another Good Hang I heartily recommend is between Amy and Judge Judy (a.k.a the right honourable Judge Judith Sheindlin) for no other reason than I’m a big fan.
So much so that after this episode, I’m seriously considering getting this:
